happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
