My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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