the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
