I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
