thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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