i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
