I wish I could punch you in the face.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
