so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
