I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Randomize
