I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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