why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
