drunk tastebuds have low standards.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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