she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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