I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
