i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
