I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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