Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
