i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
