I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
