Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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