You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So vagazzling was a success
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
