I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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