did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
