we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
