"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
did i just pee glitter
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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