Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
