if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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