I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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