I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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