My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
