I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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