New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
