next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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