How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
