My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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