Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
