Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
