Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
