No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
