I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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