I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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