I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
my shit smells like andre
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
