6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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