took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
