am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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