he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
