My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
