I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
