shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
