So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
