Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
