he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
